Joke of the Day!!!

[Gringotown]

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE

By John Cleese


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards!" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Three more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations", Surrender and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

[Gringotown]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a £100 NOTE her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the £100 note in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of £100 NOTES.


"What's this?" she asked.



"That's the £8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.




"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[Gringotown]

Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in
Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the
palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could
afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there?
The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single
lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed
at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.
When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that
bridge over there?"

The Italian replied: "No! what bridge?"

[Gringotown]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£250,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £2,000,000 for it".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £1,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £200,000 if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! Oh Darling I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.


He turns and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Gringotown]

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " . To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said,"Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"

[Gringotown]

Frau Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

...."No, just here for a few days"..

[Gringotown]

Came home last night and found a note on the fridge from the wife... "Its not working, I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my mothers".

I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell is she on about?

[Gringotown]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”