Jokes unlimited

[holicman]

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realise they have nothing to 'freshen up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.

The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon 'just the job' she decides and without another thought duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task complete the women continue staggering home.

Next morning the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night." "You think you've got problems," exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said 'We'll never forget you, from All the Lads at the Fire Station.'

[Michael Buckley]

An American tourist was driving his big cadillac through the Irish countryside one day.He happened to see an old farmer leaning across a fence and being a friendly chap he stopped his car,got out and went over to talk to the man."Howdy buddy" says the tourist looking around."Can you tell me how big your farm is ?" "Well" said the old man pointing, "From here to that ditch behind the oak tree and down to the stream over there Sir " "Geez" said the tourist "where I come from in Texas it takes me a whole day to drive from one end of my spread to the other in this car !" Then the farmer replied " I had a car like that myself at one time and I got rid of it !":) :) :)

[holicman]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're
just waiting.

[Fenerliyim]

LOOOOOL holicman urs are hilarious especially the first one.

I dont micheal's joke though

[holicman]

Joke 1
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My as$hole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Joke 2
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Joke 3
Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says in to the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, f*cking stop clapping then!!"

[BRISTOLUK]

Here's one I copied/pasted:



A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 0ral Sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure - maybe she choked."

[ricoo9]

One day, a man walking down a street sees a very large breasted women waiting for a bus to pass by. He starts talking to her for a couple of minutes. He finally decides to ask her If he can pinch her nipples and offers 100$. The women enfuriates and says NO WAY! He then offers her 500$ and she still says no and tells him to get away from her. He finally offers her 5,000$ and the women thinks about it and finally accepts. They go to a dark corner and he starts sucking and grabbing her breasts. After about 30 minutes she asks him, "aren't u going to pinch my nipples?" and he answers, " NO, thats too expensive." :D

[Calif]

:lol: that a great joke there Ricoo!!!!

[Leon of Silvren]

Lee Sum Wan: Hello can i speak to Annie Wan?

Mr. Sori: Yes, u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr. Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.

Mr. Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr. Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i don’t have time for this!

Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?

Mr. Sori: I'm Sori.

Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

[Sicilian]

dude that was terrible :D