Jokes / Funny Stories

[Zek]

Hello everybody! Promise to update this thread with some decent jokes, many will my translations from russian and you may not get the humor :silly: but I'll do my best and hope you guys will also contribute :second:

first one:

Panda comes to pub orders some beer and a meal. Eats and drinks then takes its shotgun shoots the barmen and slowly leaves. Everybody jumps up and down, go catch the Panda on a street asking:
- you're a symbol of endangered animals, you're the most popular and friendly grass eating creature in the world, why the heck you killed the guy?
- what's wrong with you stupid animal?

Panda gets its pocket dictionary out, slowly reads Panda - the... creature... that... eats... shoots... and... leaves...


practice your english boys :silly:

[Zek]

A woman asks in a restaurant
- why my coffee smeels dick?

Servant replies
- take the cup on your other hand please

[Zek]

have you ever thought why others show their middle finger, but russians half the hand?

what may happen if Viagra plant does an emergency discharge to nearby river?

[Zek]

this is a real one

While getting a US visa last year they ask you if you're a member of terrorist groups? and there is a list of those groups on FBI website.

I was just thinking, where the hell I can find headquarters of those groups to get a letter from them that I am not their member?

Another interesting question they asked me: what did I do when I was 7 years old, which school I studies and who I wanted to be? damn I am 27 now, how the hell supposed to know?

[devious]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:.. I liked them all!! specialy the "take the cup on your other hand please" hahaha.. very funny!!!

[Zek]

A husband goes on summer holidays to some cool places with a friend.

1.00 am a phone at his home apartment, his wifes takes the phone and it's him on the line.

- You know Sasha (his wife's name) me and my friend just hooked some cool girls here! they're so cool and well shaped! We're really having fun!
- why are you calling me? I am your wife, do you remember?
- yes I do, says here husband - I just did not know anyone else to share my joy with!

[Ryan27]

:D

About the US, I had heard it can be quite difficult to get into the country (legally anyways). I've also had some visiting foreigners tell me they're surprised its not even tougher. Those are some silly questions though :rolleyes: .

[Lance Knight]

a gang-member was in the livingroom holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was cooking in the kitchen. All off the sudden the baby says "mother" and the guy starts shouting to the wife and she comes running.
"whats the matter honey?"
"the baby just said half a word"

[Zek]

:D

About the US, I had heard it can be quite difficult to get into the country (legally anyways). I've also had some visiting foreigners tell me they're surprised its not even tougher. Those are some silly questions though :rolleyes: .

Do you have any drugs with you?

yes 1kg of coke and a bit of cannabies in my backpack

another 2 hours explaining US customs - it is a joke :silly:

did they really expect me to tell the truth asking such questions???

same question was asked by German customs, they got same answer from a friend of mine. Customs officer then asked: where's your backpack?
my friend answered: at home
where's your home then?

another hour spent giving them home address and waiting for them to call my home police dep:silly:

same issue with Italian customs - the customs officer said:
- bring it over next time, we'll have a smoke ;)

[Ryan27]

heh, I do feel bad for the customs officers, even if some of them are jerks that take themselves too seriously. It can't be a fun job. And I'd imagine whomever voluntarily accepts that career probably doesn't have much of a sense of humor. But I suppose someone's got to do what they do...

[_mR aSj_]

hahahah some nice ones there.. i needed a good laugh..

[devious]

you bet ;)

[Zek]

oh this topic is back :D I thought you guys deleted it.

next story comes from my December trip to London:

Entering customs, indian middle aged lady, customs officer, with a clear face message asks:
- What is the purpose of your visit?
- Business and training
- What is the training about?
- called Project Management Essentials
- What is the training about?
- It's about managing major projects 100mln usd plus (she looks at me like you in that dress from god know where and 100 mln usd, I look at myself and think damn, if only I had 1% of 100 mln usd to manage)(I pull course description (1 page) and give it to her),
- Can you tell more about it? tell me more?
- I don't know and that's why I am here
- Sir, it is customs, you have to respect us... What are you doing at home?
- work for bp, big oil company, look after environmental management, you know to make sure fish is not killed, birds are singing and etc.
- She gets really angry, queu behind is growing huge, what your father does?
- Consultancy, and normal father business
- You have to respect my questions
- OK, sorry if I offended you
- What did your father do when you were a kid? tell me about it?
- Worked in ...., I don't know details I was a kid
- she's still trying to piss me off, i am almost pissed off cauz I am there answering stupid questions for 10 mins, what have you been doing in US?
- what? US? business & trainings, why are you interested?
- and she pissed off, asked a bunch of questions for another 10 mins about my trip to UK and I am really staying in hotel I am saying... we both were pissed at the end....

[Zek]

FIAT – Failure in Italian Automobile Technology
Ford – Fix Or Repair Daily
Hyundai – Hope You Understand Nothing''s Driveable And Inexpensive
Pontiac – Poor Old Nigger Thinks It''s Cadillac
SAAB – Sad Attempt At Beauty
KIA – Killed In Assembly
Volvo – Very Old Looking Vehicular Object
Buick – Big Ugly Indestuctible Car Killer
Dodge – Dead Old Dog Going East, Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
GM – Great Mistake
BMW – Big Money Works

classic phrases, not my invention!

[Zek]

What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott aged 8 1/2


I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.


Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.


In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.


While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.


I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands on it.


All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.


The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.


Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.


All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think

[Zek]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwords, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

[Zek]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to
write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

[devious]

:lol: :lol: nice jokes mate!