Wordsmyth
11-26-2005, 01:59 PM
Some Unoriginal Musings on the Age of Nations
I was considering, the other day, that nations are much bigger and longer-lived entities than we humans, but they do seem to follow certain life-cycles. The question was, how to analyze this in such a way as to draw comparisons with human behaviours.
Well, you know how with dogs we have to multiply their age by 7 to get their equivalent in human years? I think with countries, we need to divide by 14.
Let's take a look at some examples now, shall we?
To start with, there's Argentina. Its 189 years old. If you divide that by 14, you get about 13 and a half.
In other words, its in the "total shithead" phase. She's rebellious, lazy, doesn't remember anything, says things without thinking first, and is full of acne.
Now, virtually all the countries of latin america are about that same age, the "Junior high" age. And like any situation where you get a group of kids that age together, they end up forming little gangs. The Mercosur, for example, is a junior high school rock band .They practice in a garage, they make a lot of noise, can't really play any instruments, and will never actually release a record.
Venezuela, who's just starting to grow little titties, is their groupie. She says she really digs their music and wants to sing backup, but really she's mostly their because of Brazil. Brazil's 14 already and has facial hair. Venezuela really wants Brazil to ***k her, but of course she's not going to just say so.
Mexico is in those early teen years too, but its half-indian, and doesn't really hang out with the others. The other latinamerican countries have tried some weed from time to time, but Mexico is from a broken home and has already started on the heavier drugs (it mostly gets them from Columbia, another half-indian messed up loner). You can just tell it won't end well.
To make things worse, Mexico has taken to hanging out with the United States, the 17-year old mentally retarded kid up the block. He's a total bully, who mostly likes to spend his time beating the crap out of starving 6 year old countries all over the town.
On the other side of the street, you have China. China is a wizened old lady, over 100 years old; clearly reactionary, smells of cat urine, and eats only rice because she can't afford to pay for new false teeth.
She has a hyperactive illegitimate 8 year old great-grandson, Taiwan, that makes her life misery. She's divorced from Japan, who was once a young stud but is now an old coot himself, and who left her for the Phillipines, who's young, dumb, and willing to do anything for money.
Australia and Canada, meanwhile, have just hit legal age, and are spending their time riding around in their parents' BMW. They were given a very strict upbringing by daddy England and mama France, and now that they're "free" they tend to want to live it up. Australia is a "barely legal" 18 year old that hates her parents, likes to go topless, and is sleeping with South Africa.
Canada is an emancipated 17 year old gay teen with personality issues, that likes to make the US mad and plans to form one of those "alternative families" with Greenland.
France is a divorced 36 year old city gal, very respected in her job, but will screw anything that comes her way. When it comes down to it, she's bitchy because she knows she's not the prom queen anymore, and old age is setting in rapidly.
From time to time she has a love affair with Germany, the rich truck driver married to Austria, because Germany knows he can have it kinky with France and she'll let him do whatever he wants with her. And Germany is very kinky.
Austria knows that Germany's cheating on her, but she doesn't really care.
France is mother to a six year old boy, Monaco, which is already well on the way to showing some serious gender identity issues. He'll probably be a ballet dancer when he grows up, and let Morocco take him roughly.
Italy's been widowed for many years, she spends her time taking care of her ultraconservative son the Vatican. Like most ultraconservatives, the Vatican talks big but just lives off scams and borrowed money.
She was married first to the Holy Roman Empire, then to Austro-Hungary, both of whom have passed away. With the second husband, she had a kid, Switzerland, that tries to stay out of politics, but messed up once when he took some dirty money from Germany and is worried that he'll never hear the end of it.
Italy would like to be more like Belgium: An independent woman, a lawyer that always wears pants and talks politics with the men. What she doesn't know is that Belgium sometimes wishes she could cook spaghetti.
Spain is the sexiest woman in Europe. It used to be France, but now France needs to slather herself in make up and perfume just to go clubbing; whereas Spain is this great big-titted party girl that's always drunk. She let herself get ***ked by England, and has spent the last long while bitching about it. She only now seems to be finally getting over it.
She has kids all over the place, most of them of junior high age, and she loves them all but generally hates it when they run out of money and try to sneak back into the house to raid the fridge.
Of course, the biggest breeder of them all is England. England takes off in a little sea voyage, ***ks any pretty piece of totty he can find of questionable age, and nine months later, bang! You've got a colony.
The kids usually end up living with their mothers, but England paid all the alimony for a long time.
Scotland and Ireland are England's good-for-nothing brothers who live in the attic above the garage, a pair of football hooligans (who can't even really play football!) who spend all their time drunk and have never held a steady job. They're the family embarrasment.
Sweden and Norway are a lesbian couple that are both about to turn 40. They still look very sexy despite their age, but they just aren't into dicks at all. They're both professionals, and when they aren't engaging in hot girl-on-girl action, they're working and making money. Once in a while, mostly when they need weed, they have a threesome with Holland, who's as much a dyke as they are but she's a lillith-fair hippie-chick.
They all drive Finland crazy. Finland's an androgynous 30 year old that lives alone in their attic, has no furnishings, and spends all its time having wierd cellphone conversations with Korea.
South Korea spends all its time worrying about its psychotic twin sister. They're identical twins, but North Korea was born with some amniotic fluid in its brain and, well.. you know the rest. It spent its childhood playing with firecrackers and now it lives alone trying to build guns, and is incapable of playing well with anyone.
The US, the 17 year old retarded bully, keeps a close eye on North Korea, not because its scared of her, but because it wants to take all her firecrackers.
Israel is a 73 year old intellectual that's had a miserable ***king life. When it was still young it got evicted from its house by Italy's dad, Rome. It spent most of its life living on the streets in the european neighbourhood, being constantly treated like shit. A few years back it was hit-and-run by Germany. At that point, Israel went apeshit, took back its long-condemned house, and spends its time throwing bricks at Palestine, the young washer-girl who lives next door.
Syria is a 15 year old who spends it time robbing motorcycles. It's got a good racket going but now the US has come to the neighbourhood, and Syria saw what the retarded psycho did to little Iraq, and its starting to get the feeling that the party's over.
Russia was another hardcore retarded bully a while back, but then it went to this one rave at a club called Perestroika. It overdosed on some bad Ecstasy, nearly died; and now its crippled. To top things off, it found out that somehow that night he managed to conceive something like 18 kids.
All the "Perestroika babies" are wierd. Some of them are psychotic, some of them are seriously retarded. None of them are expected to have happy lives.
Really, in my opinion countries should stop trying to "nation build" and give birth to other countries. Start using some protection, for ***ks' sake! Its not like most of the ones that are around now are working so well that we need any more of them...
I was considering, the other day, that nations are much bigger and longer-lived entities than we humans, but they do seem to follow certain life-cycles. The question was, how to analyze this in such a way as to draw comparisons with human behaviours.
Well, you know how with dogs we have to multiply their age by 7 to get their equivalent in human years? I think with countries, we need to divide by 14.
Let's take a look at some examples now, shall we?
To start with, there's Argentina. Its 189 years old. If you divide that by 14, you get about 13 and a half.
In other words, its in the "total shithead" phase. She's rebellious, lazy, doesn't remember anything, says things without thinking first, and is full of acne.
Now, virtually all the countries of latin america are about that same age, the "Junior high" age. And like any situation where you get a group of kids that age together, they end up forming little gangs. The Mercosur, for example, is a junior high school rock band .They practice in a garage, they make a lot of noise, can't really play any instruments, and will never actually release a record.
Venezuela, who's just starting to grow little titties, is their groupie. She says she really digs their music and wants to sing backup, but really she's mostly their because of Brazil. Brazil's 14 already and has facial hair. Venezuela really wants Brazil to ***k her, but of course she's not going to just say so.
Mexico is in those early teen years too, but its half-indian, and doesn't really hang out with the others. The other latinamerican countries have tried some weed from time to time, but Mexico is from a broken home and has already started on the heavier drugs (it mostly gets them from Columbia, another half-indian messed up loner). You can just tell it won't end well.
To make things worse, Mexico has taken to hanging out with the United States, the 17-year old mentally retarded kid up the block. He's a total bully, who mostly likes to spend his time beating the crap out of starving 6 year old countries all over the town.
On the other side of the street, you have China. China is a wizened old lady, over 100 years old; clearly reactionary, smells of cat urine, and eats only rice because she can't afford to pay for new false teeth.
She has a hyperactive illegitimate 8 year old great-grandson, Taiwan, that makes her life misery. She's divorced from Japan, who was once a young stud but is now an old coot himself, and who left her for the Phillipines, who's young, dumb, and willing to do anything for money.
Australia and Canada, meanwhile, have just hit legal age, and are spending their time riding around in their parents' BMW. They were given a very strict upbringing by daddy England and mama France, and now that they're "free" they tend to want to live it up. Australia is a "barely legal" 18 year old that hates her parents, likes to go topless, and is sleeping with South Africa.
Canada is an emancipated 17 year old gay teen with personality issues, that likes to make the US mad and plans to form one of those "alternative families" with Greenland.
France is a divorced 36 year old city gal, very respected in her job, but will screw anything that comes her way. When it comes down to it, she's bitchy because she knows she's not the prom queen anymore, and old age is setting in rapidly.
From time to time she has a love affair with Germany, the rich truck driver married to Austria, because Germany knows he can have it kinky with France and she'll let him do whatever he wants with her. And Germany is very kinky.
Austria knows that Germany's cheating on her, but she doesn't really care.
France is mother to a six year old boy, Monaco, which is already well on the way to showing some serious gender identity issues. He'll probably be a ballet dancer when he grows up, and let Morocco take him roughly.
Italy's been widowed for many years, she spends her time taking care of her ultraconservative son the Vatican. Like most ultraconservatives, the Vatican talks big but just lives off scams and borrowed money.
She was married first to the Holy Roman Empire, then to Austro-Hungary, both of whom have passed away. With the second husband, she had a kid, Switzerland, that tries to stay out of politics, but messed up once when he took some dirty money from Germany and is worried that he'll never hear the end of it.
Italy would like to be more like Belgium: An independent woman, a lawyer that always wears pants and talks politics with the men. What she doesn't know is that Belgium sometimes wishes she could cook spaghetti.
Spain is the sexiest woman in Europe. It used to be France, but now France needs to slather herself in make up and perfume just to go clubbing; whereas Spain is this great big-titted party girl that's always drunk. She let herself get ***ked by England, and has spent the last long while bitching about it. She only now seems to be finally getting over it.
She has kids all over the place, most of them of junior high age, and she loves them all but generally hates it when they run out of money and try to sneak back into the house to raid the fridge.
Of course, the biggest breeder of them all is England. England takes off in a little sea voyage, ***ks any pretty piece of totty he can find of questionable age, and nine months later, bang! You've got a colony.
The kids usually end up living with their mothers, but England paid all the alimony for a long time.
Scotland and Ireland are England's good-for-nothing brothers who live in the attic above the garage, a pair of football hooligans (who can't even really play football!) who spend all their time drunk and have never held a steady job. They're the family embarrasment.
Sweden and Norway are a lesbian couple that are both about to turn 40. They still look very sexy despite their age, but they just aren't into dicks at all. They're both professionals, and when they aren't engaging in hot girl-on-girl action, they're working and making money. Once in a while, mostly when they need weed, they have a threesome with Holland, who's as much a dyke as they are but she's a lillith-fair hippie-chick.
They all drive Finland crazy. Finland's an androgynous 30 year old that lives alone in their attic, has no furnishings, and spends all its time having wierd cellphone conversations with Korea.
South Korea spends all its time worrying about its psychotic twin sister. They're identical twins, but North Korea was born with some amniotic fluid in its brain and, well.. you know the rest. It spent its childhood playing with firecrackers and now it lives alone trying to build guns, and is incapable of playing well with anyone.
The US, the 17 year old retarded bully, keeps a close eye on North Korea, not because its scared of her, but because it wants to take all her firecrackers.
Israel is a 73 year old intellectual that's had a miserable ***king life. When it was still young it got evicted from its house by Italy's dad, Rome. It spent most of its life living on the streets in the european neighbourhood, being constantly treated like shit. A few years back it was hit-and-run by Germany. At that point, Israel went apeshit, took back its long-condemned house, and spends its time throwing bricks at Palestine, the young washer-girl who lives next door.
Syria is a 15 year old who spends it time robbing motorcycles. It's got a good racket going but now the US has come to the neighbourhood, and Syria saw what the retarded psycho did to little Iraq, and its starting to get the feeling that the party's over.
Russia was another hardcore retarded bully a while back, but then it went to this one rave at a club called Perestroika. It overdosed on some bad Ecstasy, nearly died; and now its crippled. To top things off, it found out that somehow that night he managed to conceive something like 18 kids.
All the "Perestroika babies" are wierd. Some of them are psychotic, some of them are seriously retarded. None of them are expected to have happy lives.
Really, in my opinion countries should stop trying to "nation build" and give birth to other countries. Start using some protection, for ***ks' sake! Its not like most of the ones that are around now are working so well that we need any more of them...