Jokes

[Omar]

If anybody has any good (and also appropriate!) jokes, post them here.

[zOla]

I got one...hehe

Q. What have the Spurs 'keeper and Michael Jackson got in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason. http://worldsoccerboard.cfc-network.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

[Tariq]

Haha. http://worldsoccerboard.cfc-network.com/ubb/smile.gif http://worldsoccerboard.cfc-network.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://worldsoccerboard.cfc-network.com/ubb/smile.gif http://worldsoccerboard.cfc-network.com/ubb/biggrin.gif That's a good one Zola!

[Omar]

Hehe. . .any more jokes?

[doublemm]

I've got some good (but really long) jokes from a book at school. I'm on spring break right now, I'll post one every week, starting next week when I get back to school.

[Omar]

Great! Does anybody have any until then?

[max]

i do

here i go

a girl dog said to a boy dog 'would you rember me in a day ' he says ';yes' she goes on and says'in a weeK ' HE SAYS 'yes' she goes on 'a month' he says yes' she contiens 1 year' he says with a anoing tone 'yes'

she saya "nock nock"
heas "whos there"
she sobs "you forgot me allread

:)



[This message has been edited by max (edited 27 March 2000).]

[Omar]

:D Got anymore max?

[max]

NO I CAN GET a book of them thoe

[Valleyboy]

Here we go...a very poor attempt, but most footie jokes i know are quite rude & better suited to the pub at match day :)

Watford manger Graham Taylor is suprised to see his team actually win, as is the Watford board. As a big thank you for getting Watford their first win in months the board Give Taylor a hefty cash bonus.

Thinking of his future, Taylor decides to put it in his savings account so off he goes to his local branch. While waiting in line Taylor becomes very hot & faints. he comes around with staff & members of the public surrounding hime.."Where am i?" he asks, a voice replies "in the nationwide". "Oh no its not next season already is it??"

[Valleyboy]

Here's another one, a lot better than my last attempt! :)Weah
< >
Man Utd are playing Chelsea at Old Trafford one Saturday afternoon. Fifteen minutes into the game George Weah is adjudged to have fouled Japp Stam at a corner and furiously shouts and remonstrates at the ref. Upon seeing this, Beckham goes up to Weah, puts a finger up to his lips and says Shhhhh". Then he bursts out laughing and runs off leaving Weah somewhat bewildered.

Ten minutes later Dwight Yorke puts the reds one up after sloppy defending and George is furious at his defence and shouts at them to get their act together.

Once again Beckham comes up to Weah, says "Shhhh", starts wetting himself laughing and runs off again. Weah turns to his equally puzzled team mates but they all shrug their shoulders in confusion too.

Just before half time old George loses his cool again and shouts at a linesman and for a third time Beckham repeats his strange act.

The half time whistle goes and as the players walk off, Roy Keane goes to Beckham and says "Hey Becks, what's all that about with Weah then?"

Beckham whispers something in Keane's ear and the Irishman looks to the heavens and says to Beckham and says "No you idiot... he's a Liberian!"

[modious]

Well, somemore jokes....

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ***king difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"*

-------------------------------------
*Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don?t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"*

-----------------------------------------
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have
you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples,
how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many
rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

------------------------------------------

Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.


------------------------------------------
*The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the
back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

-------------------------------------------

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.


-------------------------------------------
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a
long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

-------------------------------------------

The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, "What do you like best about it, class?
Let's start with you, Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."

-------------------------------------------

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

------------------------------------------

Teacher: How do you spell "dog"?
Pupil: d, o, g, enter.

-------------------------------------------

*A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a
student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the
library is at?"

The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are
taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to
rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

-------------------------------------------

The answer of a problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him,
but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to
"timber(1+x)".

-------------------------------------------

An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and
pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to
see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety
netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's
terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our
jobs!"


-------------------------------------------

Hope that u guys enjoy it!


[This message has been edited by modious (edited 05 May 2000).]

[Juve Fan]

Those were all good.. :D

------------------
Juventus 4 ever...
FORZA BIANCONERI

[Tariq]

Hehe, yeah, good jokes guys. :)

[lilphenom]

this one is not so clean but here we go any way


one day this guy walks into a bar and he looks around and see not a single women , so he walks up bartender and says what do you guys do around here i mean there are no women , bar tender says oh we have this barrel out in the back if you go back there , there is a hole in the barrel i think you know what to put in the hole. the grins at him and says ya i do. so the guy runs back into the back room unzipes his pants and sticks "it" in the hole so he is there for like 30 min , then he comes back out and the barender says how did you like it he says man it was great so out behind the guy walks another guy behind him coming from the back room and he bartender looks at the guy and says now its your turn to get in the barrel

[This message has been edited by lilphenom (edited 01 June 2000).]

[ced84]

David Beckham is trying a jigsaw puzzle of a cockerel and he just can't do it. He phones Alex Ferguson and tells him that he wont be going to training as this puzzle is doing his head in and upsetting him. So Alex tells him to come round to his place and they'll do it together. When David arrives, he puts the pieces on the table and Alex says "They're cornflakes you idiot!"

[mirkwood]

Liverpool on vacation in the Southwest USA:

An Albuquerque policeman pulled a car over being driven by Robbie Fowler and told him that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 in a statewide safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license, " said Fowler.

"Oh, don't listen to him, "yelled a prostitue in the passenger seat.
"He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up Jamie Redknapp in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said in
Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

[ced84]

lol! even though I'm a Liverpool fan, that is quite funny

[Mihajloviç]

hehe , good one mirkwood :p

[Juve Fan]

A person finds a magic lamp, he rubs and rubs.. Out comes a Genie:

"Your wish is my command!" Said the Genie..

"Well, you know my father is dead, can you bring him back please ?" Said the man.

"I cant bring back the dead now, Its a really difficult trick and most of the time doesnt work, sorry son" Said the Genie..

"Well can you please let Lazio win the league next year ? " Said the man..

"Hmmm, show me your fathers grave!"

[Mihajloviç]

I didnt find that one funny at all.
:p

[Juve Fan]

Well you are not supposed to find it funny :p

[This message has been edited by Juve Fan (edited 02 June 2000).]

[gambine]

Why do they make "aqua velva" in 3 colours?


So Indians(Canadian) can make B52's. :D :D :D

[gambine]

What are an Indians two favourite colours?

Blue and Blue Light :D :D :D

[FANTA]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.


Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me.." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God."

[Severus]

i have 1 but its a little vulgar ... READ AT YOUR OWN RISK !

watta ya call a yugoslavian hooker ?

sloberdownmycock yabitch

[abulmahshin]

:D :D :D :thumbsup:


lol

[Rivaldø]

very good! listen to this one:

A Vasco supporter goes in a shop to buy a Vasco shirt. he looks around and sees no Vasco jerseys. then he asks the salesman what's the price of the Corinthians shirt on sale. $ 40 , the salesman sez. how much is that Flamengo shirt then?, asks the guy. the salesman says $ 60 , as they are always being champions.
- Do you have any Vasco shirts at all?, asks the guy. The salesman says they do, and they cost $ 9 . "wow, that's cheap", and the salesman says "because they haven't won anything lately". The Vasco guy gets sad but decides to buy the Vasco shirt anyway. He gives the salesman a 10-dollar bill. The salesman looks around and says, very embarassed, to the Vasco guy:
"I'm out of change, would you accept a Botafogo shirt to complete the $ 10 ?"

:D

[Slavenik]

I have good one.

One day god took three peaople to his house, one Bulgarian, one Russian and one from the US.

He calls the American first and he says to him. Listen here and listen good! If you dont stop training the terorist i will press this button(he points the first one) there will be no America any more. And he goes out crying and tells the Russian and Bulgarian what god said to him. After that god called the Russian and says to him if you dont stop to sell weapons to the terrorists, i will press this button(and points to the second) there will be no Russia any more. And the Russian goes out crying and tell the American and the Bulgarian what god told him. The next one was the Bulgarian. So he goes to the room where god was. God told him Listen here and listen good. If you dont stop produsing false things that never work and all that we have both that is Bulgarian isnt working i will press this button(and he points to the third) there
will be no Bulgaria any more. The Bulgarian says OK and goes out smiling. The American and the Russian ask him, what god told him. And he answers : Dont worry you guys.- All of the buttons are produced in Bulgaria-, hehehehehe.

[Ivan]

hey leave the bugars alone ;)

If it wasn't for the Bulgarian CD's in Yugo, where else in the world would you be able to buy the latest music for US$1.50 ;) :D :D :D

[Zek]

some old jokes

Hilary Clinton dies and goes to heaven. As she enters Gods office she sees all different clocks around her. So she asks Gods secretary what are all those clocks. So the Secretary explains to her that each clock represents a person, each time a clock ticks it shows how many sins that person did. for example she says. Over there it's Monica Levinsky's clock. it ticks several times a day. Over there in another corner it's Mother Teressa. It ticks once a day. Surprised Hilarry asks the secretary. " So where is my husbands clock?" And the secretary replies," OOOh that's upstairs in Gods room, he's using it as an airfan":)

[Zek]

Clinton and the Pope die at the same time. In the judgement they made a mistake. Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope to hell. After a certain period of time they realized the mistake and switched them back, as it was suppose to be. On the way they meet and Clinton asks the Pope:
C: how is it downthere
P: well it's not as bad as everyone says
then Pope asks Clinton
P: how is it upthere
C: it's great
P: well i can't wait to get upthere, finally my dream is going to come true, i will finally meet VirginMarry
C: Oops, IT'S A BIT TOO LATE;)

[Slavenik]

In Skopje you can find them for 1.20$

[Slavenik]

I mean for the CDs

[Ivan]

I though you were talking about hookers ;) :rolling:

[Slavenik]

I have good joke here.

Do you know why the little children when something is hearting them are saying MUMY, MUMY and not DADY, DADY?

Because they arent sure about the dad.

[Zvonimir]

Here it goes...

A serb goes deep into the heart of the Congo on an expedition...

He sees many natives and comes accross one guy who incidentally happens to also be a serb...

Serb #1 says, are there any cannibals here?

Serb # 2 says, no not anymore-we ate the remaining one last year!:D :D :D :D :D :D

[Andrija PFC]

Stupid little joke:

In Germany they've just caught bin Laden's two main accomplices:
choco-laden and marme-laden! :D :silly:

[Andrija PFC]

Another Bulgarian joke:
America, Russia, and Bulgaria are sending a space expedition. The Americans and the Russians send dogs, but the Bulgarians, since they have no highly trained dogs, send their main engineer, Bratko.
Up in Space, the controll center is communicating with the ship. The Americans say to their dog:
"Steer the ship 45 degrees to the left. Make sure it point to Alpha Centauri. Then fire the main thrusters."
The Russians say to their dog:
"Take the radiation readings. Perform experiments 44A and 67B. Perform a space walk afterwards."
Then the Bulgarians come on the line:
"Bratko - hrani kucici i ne diraj dugmici (feed the dogs and don't touch the buttons)!"

:D:D:D:D


Yugo jokes:
How does a Yugo accelerate from o to 150 km/h in 5 seconds? You throw it off a cliff! :)
What's the back-window heater in a Yugo for? To keep your hands warm while you push it. :silly:
An American goes to Serbia and needs a car for 3 months. He decides to buy a Yugo Florida, 'cause they're cheap. So he goes to the Zastava factory in Kragujevac and asks: "Can I buy a brand new Yugo?"
"Sure," the factory guy responds.
"Is there any optional equipment?"
"Like what?"
"Air conditioning?"
"No problem," says the factory guy.
"Aluminium wheels?"
"Of course"
"Electric windows?"
"OK"
"CD player?"
"Right"
But now the American's wondering about the price with all this equipment. He decides it's not much anyway so he takes out his checkbook and asks:
"And that'll be..."
"...done in 15 minutes" responds the factory guy.
"Are you screwing around with me?" asks the American, annoyed.
"Well, you started first!" :D:silly:

[Porca Troia]

world's shortest books...
"My Plan to Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
"Detroit: A Travel Guide"
Human Rights Advances in China
Women Rights Advances in Afghanistan
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Directory

[Porca Troia]

world's shortest books...
"My Plan to Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
"Detroit: A Travel Guide"
Human Rights Advances in China
Women Rights Advances in Afghanistan
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Directory

[Severus]

che vuol dire quella segnatura ?

[ItalianBoy]

hey Porca troia :D



where are you from?

[Zek]

Finally Jokes over politics;) looooool

Signs found round the world-

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

At a Budapest zoo:
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:
"THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
"COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM
AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF."

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
"TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT."

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings:
"MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES."

Sign in Japanese public bath:
"FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
"PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM"

Hotel brochure, Italy:
"THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
"THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."

Hotel elevator, Paris:
"PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND
SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY."

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
"NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE
BOOTS OF ASCENSION."

Taken from a menu, Poland:
"SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY
DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF
RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
"FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."

From the "Soviet Weekly":
"THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET
REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."

In an East African newspaper:
"A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."

Hotel, Vienna:
"IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

[Porca Troia]

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
Psychiatrists claim 1 in 4 is mentally ill. Gather 3 of your friends, if they are ok, guess what....
You can't fall off the floor
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be properly distributed
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats
Deja Moo: The feeling that you have heard this bull before

[FANTA]

http://home.dencity.com/ledzep/headline_34.jpg

:D :D

[FANTA]

http://home.dencity.com/ledzep/headline_20.jpg

:D

[FANTA]

http://home.dencity.com/ledzep/headline_24.jpg

:D :p

[FANTA]

http://home.dencity.com/ledzep/bild_bramotell.jpg

:p :p

[Porca Troia]

fantasista...why dont you go open some mail...