modious
05-01-2000, 11:43 AM
Here are some sexual jokes u might find amusing:
1)Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see an amputee.
"Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do here?"
The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
2)A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.
To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?" the muscular man asks.
"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.
"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy.
"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"
3)This guy was going out with a girl called Wendy. In fact he cared so much for her that he had her name tattooed on his dick so that when he became erect she could read her full name unfolding from "WY" to "WENDY".
One day, he goes on holiday to Jamaica. Answering the call of nature, he enters a public toilet. There, next to him, he can see an enormous native, also taking a leak.
Our hero takes a glance to his side and notices that the native also has "WY" tatooed on his dick.
"Hey", he says, trying to strike up a conversation, "are you seeing a woman called Wendy too? You seem to have her name on your dick."
"Wendy?", replies the native, "don't know any one with that name! My tattoo says "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a very nice day."
4)A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms.
Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are ?" she asked.
"No".
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.
Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine.
"I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says.
"Do you know what size you are?"
"No."
"OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
5)A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my **** got really sore."
6)A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
7)There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs every day.
One morning he's looking in the mirror, admiring his body, as is his habit. He notices, however, that he has an even, golden-brown tan all over his body with the exception of his dick, which is completely white. He immediately decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach early in the morning, and completely undresses, then buries himself in the sand, except for his snow-white member, which he leaves sticking out of the sand, liberally coated with sunscreen.
A while later, as the sun rises above the yardarm, two elderly ladies are strolling along the beach, one of them so rickety she is using a cane. They walk right up to where the man is buried, and notice his dick sticking out of the sand. One of the old ladies begins to poke his dick around with her cane. She turns to her companion and says, "There really is no justice in the world."
Her friend looks at her with some puzzlement and says, "What do you mean?"
The cane-wielding lady says "When I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it, when I was 40 I asked for it, when I was 50 I paid for it, when I was 60 I prayed for it, and when I was 70 I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80 the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to SQUAT!"
8)There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.
The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.
When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.
The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".
Well,that's all for today folks!Hope you enjoyed reading them all!!
1)Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see an amputee.
"Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do here?"
The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
2)A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.
To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?" the muscular man asks.
"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.
"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular guy.
"Jesus, that's a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"
3)This guy was going out with a girl called Wendy. In fact he cared so much for her that he had her name tattooed on his dick so that when he became erect she could read her full name unfolding from "WY" to "WENDY".
One day, he goes on holiday to Jamaica. Answering the call of nature, he enters a public toilet. There, next to him, he can see an enormous native, also taking a leak.
Our hero takes a glance to his side and notices that the native also has "WY" tatooed on his dick.
"Hey", he says, trying to strike up a conversation, "are you seeing a woman called Wendy too? You seem to have her name on your dick."
"Wendy?", replies the native, "don't know any one with that name! My tattoo says "Welcome to Jamaica. Have a very nice day."
4)A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms.
Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are ?" she asked.
"No".
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.
Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl. A similar course of events takes place, only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine.
"I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" he says.
"Do you know what size you are?"
"No."
"OK, I'll check. Whoops, mop and bucket to aisle 3 please!"
5)A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."
"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my **** got really sore."
6)A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
7)There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs every day.
One morning he's looking in the mirror, admiring his body, as is his habit. He notices, however, that he has an even, golden-brown tan all over his body with the exception of his dick, which is completely white. He immediately decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach early in the morning, and completely undresses, then buries himself in the sand, except for his snow-white member, which he leaves sticking out of the sand, liberally coated with sunscreen.
A while later, as the sun rises above the yardarm, two elderly ladies are strolling along the beach, one of them so rickety she is using a cane. They walk right up to where the man is buried, and notice his dick sticking out of the sand. One of the old ladies begins to poke his dick around with her cane. She turns to her companion and says, "There really is no justice in the world."
Her friend looks at her with some puzzlement and says, "What do you mean?"
The cane-wielding lady says "When I was 20 I was curious about it, when I was 30 I enjoyed it, when I was 40 I asked for it, when I was 50 I paid for it, when I was 60 I prayed for it, and when I was 70 I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80 the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to SQUAT!"
8)There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly.
The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees.
When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.
The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".
Well,that's all for today folks!Hope you enjoyed reading them all!!