Jokes

[Lance Knight]

In this tread u all can post jokes only, so if u hav a funny one please post it.

[Lance Knight]

a soldier came into a hotel one night, but every room was already taken, and so the soldier plaeded twitht hthe manger to give him a room anywhere.
"Well i do have a double room with one occupant," he admitted, "and he might be glad to split the cost of the room, but he snores loudly.'' ''It's ok," said the soldier, "I'll take it."
The next morning the manager saw the soldier and asked him if he had problems with the snoring. "No" he replied, "i shut him up in no time at all". "How did u do that" asked the manager.
"he was already in bed snoring, so i went up next to him, kissed him on the cheek and said 'Goodnight beautiful' and hes at up all night watching me"

[Lance Knight]

a young man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of puncheon. "6 shots!!" relpied the bartender, "are u celebrtaing something?". ''Yes," said the man," my first blow job." "Well in that case let me give u the 7th shot on the house." "No offense sir, but if 6 shots dont get the taste out of my mouth nothing will"

[Greek Succer]

gotdick? priest,

Way to fuel your own posts. You are certainly your own best friend.

[Lance Knight]

gotdick? priest,

Way to fuel your own posts. You are certainly your own best friend.

yes i got a dick, why dont u ask your mother how big it is

[Greek Succer]

She said she needed a microscope and still could not differentiate between your dick and the lone pubic hair beside it. She ventured a guess that the thicker of the two was the hair.

[Gennadios]

what did osama bin laden say when he saw the leaning tower of pisa?















amatuers....

[roggie15]

what did osama bin laden say when he saw the leaning tower of pisa?















amatuers....
that is horrible

[Greek Succer]

What is the difference between a Greek and a pizza?

1) Neither can feed a family of four.
2) A pizza doesn't cry when you jam it in a red hot oven.

[Gennadios]

pretty funny guy we have here

[mel81x]

what did osama bin laden say when he saw the leaning tower of pisa?

amatuers....
Scandalous joke i do say so but i have to admit i caught myself laughing for a few.

[RegginaAmaranto]

What is the difference between a Greek and a pizza?

1) Neither can feed a family of four.
2) A pizza doesn't cry when you jam it in a red hot oven.

the joke is ; whats the differnece between a Jew and a pizza.

a pizza dosnt cry when you put it in the oven.


Greeks arnt funny coz they arnt known for being jammed into ovens like jews were.

[EASports]

the joke is ; whats the differnece between a Jew and a pizza.

a pizza dosnt cry when you put it in the oven.


Greeks arnt funny coz they arnt known for being jammed into ovens like jews were.

How do you fit 1000 jews into a volkswagon ? 2 in back 2 in front 994 in ashtray

Hitler walking in reichstag garden comes across little Jewish Girl
"What is your name little girl ?"
"Rosa Eisenberg"
"How old are you ?"
"I will be 12 next week"
......"no you wont"

Regginamaranto's mum so fat when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

Regginamaranto's mum so fat when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time

[Lance Knight]

How do you fit 1000 jews into a volkswagon ? 2 in back 2 in front 994 in ashtray

Hitler walking in reichstag garden comes across little Jewish Girl
"What is your name little girl ?"
"Rosa Eisenberg"
"How old are you ?"
"I will be 12 next week"
......"no you wont"

Regginamaranto's mum so fat when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

Regginamaranto's mum so fat when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time

i like that one with hitler. that was awesome

[little_slice]

How do you fit 1000 jews into a volkswagon ? 2 in back 2 in front 994 in ashtray

Hitler walking in reichstag garden comes across little Jewish Girl
"What is your name little girl ?"
"Rosa Eisenberg"
"How old are you ?"
"I will be 12 next week"
......"no you wont"

Regginamaranto's mum so fat when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

Regginamaranto's mum so fat when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time

i think your missing to people your math is about as bad as those jokes. 2+2+994= 998 there are 2 missing come on

[RegginaAmaranto]

i think your missing to people your math is about as bad as those jokes. 2+2+994= 998 there are 2 missing come on

hahahahaha... your right!!!!!! looks like cock licker fücked up again!!!!

just like his filthy whore mother did all those years ago :D

[PAO_HELLAS]

:silly:


http://www.filaki.gr/upimages/MadeInEurope.jpg

[PAO_HELLAS]

I had ordered beaf!

http://www.contra.gr/images/paparazzi_papkotopoulo.jpg

[PAO_HELLAS]

:D

http://www.filaki.gr/upimages/HomeAloneMike.jpg

[Gennadios]

:silly:


http://www.filaki.gr/upimages/MadeInEurope.jpg

Where else have I seen that?

[PAO_HELLAS]

Maybe at filaki.gr? :D

[Lance Knight]

One day blonde inherits her sister's profitable business but after a while the profits begin to run low. Because of this now she prays to god and asks him for her to win the lottery so she can make the business profitable again. 2 month passes and nothing happens and each time she prays the same pray again. After the third month has passed she then prays to god by asking him" god why have u forsaked me, all i want is for my sister's business to be profitable again." When god hears this pray he was so shocked that he sent an angel with a letter for the blonde. the blonde receives the letter and reads it aloud, "Buy a ticket, u idoit"

[Lance Knight]

The Pope, a Rabi, and a Pundit walk into a bar and orders a bottle of Jonny Walker Blue, drank it, and then when home.

[LebSoccerBoy]

ok...
there is a man with no arms and no legs lying on the beach. a girl comes up to him and says, "u poor man, u've probably never been kissed before in ur life" the man replies, "actually...i havent" so she bends over, gives hima kiss, and walks away.
another gurl comes by and say "u poor man, u've probably never gotten a bj in ur life." the man replies "actually i havent" so she gives him one, and walks away.
the third gurl comes along..." u poor poor POOR man, u have probably never been fuked before in ur life." the man, with a grin on his face, replies "ACTUALLY...i have not." and the gurl says, "well your about to be, the tide is comin in!"

[Lance Knight]

this is an old one most of u probably heard it already but here goes anyway:

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Trinidad for a
long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly
to Trinidad on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived.
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as u neventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[LebSoccerBoy]

LMFAO!!!! that was so funny!! as terrible as that was...i was laughing so hard! awesome!

[Lance Knight]

here is another advertisement brought to u my me:

"You gotta love this guy..... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells."
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this:-
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.....................$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man.......... Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.

PS omar this is not really an advertisement lol

[Gennadios]

lol that was great !

[Lance Knight]

I am good aren't I

[Greek Succer]

hehehehehahahahahaha

click



click


BANG!

Shoot me plz.

Priest,

Welcome to March 2, 2002. That bride / groom FICTION was from 2 years ago jackass. Did your windmill finally get Internet or what?

[Lance Knight]

its an old story in my email archives and some people didnt here about it u jackass so i posted it

[Lance Knight]

here is another stupid one:

POLISH DIVORCE...

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE:"JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."

LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE:"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE:"NO, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "NO, she is white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof.

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read ......
it says,

'Polish Remover'."

[Gennadios]

zzZZZzzzZZZzzZZzzzzZzzz...

[Katerina]

How do you fit 1000 jews into a volkswagon ? 2 in back 2 in front 994 in ashtray

I think you did a BOO-BOO ! We know that politics, geography and many, MANY more topics/subject aren't your strong-suit for discussions ... but, for goodness sake ! one would think that you'd AT LEAST be able to put 2 & 2 together either ! LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!! :rolling:

[Lance Knight]

ok here is a good one:

Tom, Ben, and Steve got drunk one evening and steve said he would drive them home. along the drive steve ran of the road and hit a tree. steve died in the accident where as tom got a dislocated shoulder and ben a few scratches. as they all lied they in the car tom began to cry out in pain. and after a while ben got annonyed, so he turned to tom and said "would u just shut the hell up u big baby, steve is dead and he is sitting there silently taking all the pain"

this is a true story. it happened to a friend of a friend of mine

[Lance Knight]

at the risk of being insulted, i am still posting this joke

Guy: " doc i think i am gay"
Doc: " why do u think that"
Guy: " cause everyone in my family is gay, my grandfather, my dad, my uncles, and my 2 older brothers."
Doc: " my god son, isnt there anyone in your family that likes women?"
Guy: " well there is one person"
Doc: "who?"
Guy: " my sister"

[Leon of Silvren]

LOL. :D

BTW I'm gonna make this tread sticky and change it to 'Jokes' if you don't mind gp....

[PrAvI HrVaT]

A guy walks into a bar................ouch!


Why did the blonde bring a ladder into the bar..........she heard the drinks were on the house.

this one is a bit racist so please dont ban me;

what is the difference between a black guy and a bench...........a bench can support a family but a black guy cant.

This is no offense to anyone. you could say it for any race but im telling it the way i heard it.

[Lance Knight]

yea sure, go ahead that is a good idea. it wold be an honer.lol

[Leon of Silvren]

And also this should be in the away from soccer, but now that Kat went away there's no one to moderate that forum.... :(

[Lance Knight]

here is a email i got:

Subject: USA v TNT dilect

USA: Such tasteful Hors d'heurves, sumptuous finger foods, wow!
TnT: Whuddy ass is dis? Whey de blasted food?
>>
USA: Here Kitty kitty.. get down from the roof.
TnT: Ey yuh ole dutty stinkin cyat, come off de bleddy gyalvanize
before ah drop two stone in yuh ass!
> >
USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
TnT: Yuh expekin flood or wha?
> >
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
TnT: Buh wha trouble is dis? Boy stop flingin meh grip so.
> >
USA: Lift the hood of the car for me John.
TnT: Yute-man, fly de bonnet nuh!
> >
USA: I love you girl.
TnT: Ah rell check fuh yuh, yuh know.
> >
USA: Oh the poor little boy is handicap.
TnT: Look at de lil invalid...
> >
USA: It's time for a perm.
TnT: Gyul , yuh head need straightenin bad. Yuh doh see all de
greng -gren showin.
> >
USA: I have a stomach ache.
TnT: Oh gorm..............meh belly gripein meh.
> >
USA: He has no manners.
TnT: He doh have no broughtupcy.
> >
USA: WOW!...........he has such a bad body odor
TnT: Yuh doesn't bade?.......oh shit man...... yuh smellin stink!
> >
USA: Josh is suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder.
TnT: Dat chile too dam harden.
> >
USA: He has a touch of Dyslexia.
TnT: He duncee fuh so.
> >
USA: I need a bottle of Peptobismol...my stomach hurts.
TnT: Ah need ah purge bad...ah cork up.
> >
USA: It's been a long time since I've seen you girl.
TnT: A..A...! You still alive gyul?
> >
USA: Oh my goodness, we have lost electricity.
TnT: Jeezanages!!......current gorn again.
> >
USA: This meal is not too bad.
TnT: Wha doh kill does fatten and wha doh fatten does purge.
> >
USA: Oh my, your feet are so ashy.
TnT:Is how yuh foot and dem look like yuh was kickin flour
so...yuh couldn't a rub lil coconut oil on yuh foot?

[PrAvI HrVaT]

lol but wut is tnt?

[Will317]

lol but wut is tnt?

Trinidad n' Tobago.

[PrAvI HrVaT]

Trinidad n' Tobago.
oh sorry...............makes more sense now :D

[Lance Knight]

lol

[PrAvI HrVaT]

:rolleyes: lol

[Lance Knight]

Sex In The Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[PrAvI HrVaT]

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
thasts good lol

[davor_suker]

This ones a bit harsh but here goes anyway...

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.

[Lance Knight]

lol.

ok here is another one:

There was this bus of very very ugly people, that ran off the road and everyone died and they all went to heaven. at the gates god saw the ugly people and felt sorry for them so he decided to give them all each one wish. so the first person wished to be pretty and so on and so on it went until god came to the last person.
God:"what is your wish my child?"
The Man Replied" Make them all ugly again"

[PrAvI HrVaT]

lol.

ok here is another one:

There was this bus of very very ugly people, that ran off the road and everyone died and they all went to heaven. at the gates god saw the ugly people and felt sorry for them so he decided to give them all each one wish. so the first person wished to be pretty and so on and so on it went until god came to the last person.
God:"what is your wish my child?"
The Man Replied" Make them all ugly again"
haaaaaaaahahahahahahaahahaaaaa

thats hilarious i heard something like that before.

[PrAvI HrVaT]

its a funnny pic

[Leon of Silvren]

LOL yeah it was posted somewhere else too.... :D

[PrAvI HrVaT]

yeah i said i would post it in jokes :silly:

[Leon of Silvren]

Oh yeah right, you were the one who posted it in the other tread as well....

[PrAvI HrVaT]

Oh yeah right, you were the one who posted it in the other tread as well....
yep!

[theman]

gotdick? priest,

Way to fuel your own posts. You are certainly your own best friend.
Good one.Shame you're banned.

[theman]

yes i got a dick, why dont u ask your mother how big it is
OOh moderator.Try and set a good example.

[theman]

She said she needed a microscope and still could not differentiate between your dick and the lone pubic hair beside it. She ventured a guess that the thicker of the two was the hair.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.Not bad.

[theman]

what did osama bin laden say when he saw the leaning tower of pisa.











amatuers....
That ain't nice.

[theman]

the joke is ; whats the differnece between a Jew and a pizza.

a pizza dosnt cry when you put it in the oven.


Greeks arnt funny coz they arnt known for being jammed into ovens like jews were.
you fking sh1tty waank lovink dikhead.I'm Jewish and that is the most horrible joke I've ever heard.I'm glad you are banned.

[theman]

A guy walks into a bar................ouch!


Why did the blonde bring a ladder into the bar..........she heard the drinks were on the house.

this one is a bit racist so please dont ban me;

what is the difference between a black guy and a bench...........a bench can support a family but a black guy cant.

This is no offense to anyone. you could say it for any race but im telling it the way i heard it.
Croations are known for being racist.Sorry I didn't mean that

[theman]

This ones a bit harsh but here goes anyway...

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.
Still prejudice,but at least it's funny.

[Will317]

Here's a bit of a joke:

http://homepages.uel.ac.uk/g.s.thomas/lfc.gif

[Lance Knight]

alrite will but there was a time sported liverpool. but when they sold Diouf and Heskey i stoped sporting them

[theman]

alrite will but there was a time sported liverpool. but when they sold Diouf and Heskey i stoped sporting them
So you turned to the galactico's eh?

[WorldFan]

From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?

5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).

8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?

9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)

10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).

11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?

12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.

[Will317]

Haha, where did you get those from? :silly:

[Lance Knight]

So you turned to the galactico's eh?
no i support a team in all the major leagues. but if i have to choose betw them and real i woud choose real anyday. plus most of my favourite players play for real anyway

and lol good joke WorldFan, u are new and i am glad to see that u are already posting great things, good luck in the future

[WorldFan]

no i support a team in all the major leagues. but if i have to choose betw them and real i woud choose real anyday. plus most of my favourite players play for real anyway

and lol good joke WorldFan, u are new and i am glad to see that u are already posting great things, good luck in the future

Cheers big ears. :threeeyes

[penalty_20]

lol ye happy comin to sfn lol it s fun here

[Lance Knight]

okay heres one

A man was walking along the beach and he found a magic lamp, rubbed it and received 3 wishes.

-1st he asked for an unlimited supply of money and he got.

-2nd he asked to have power over any women he wanted and he got it

-3rd he then saw a donkey high up on the hill and asked the jennie for private parts like the donkey( he meant in size)and he got it.

To his surprise when he looked down he saw a Pussy

[Lance Knight]

and another:

a man was drive along a road one day until he ran over a rooster. feeling sorry for killing it he went up to the farm that was along the road, knocked on the door and told the farmer:
"i am soory for killing your rooster, how can i repay u?"
the farmer lead the man around to the back of the house, showed him the hens and told him "there they are, go ahead"

[Lance Knight]

>Miss World Final Questions

>This is what I called creative thinking.
>Same question, different answers.
>Looking at things from another perspective.
>
>Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your
>country?
>Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like
>gentlemen.
>Question: How can you say so?
>Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman........
>(Applause! Applause!)
>
>Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your
>country?
>Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight
>or
>Toro(Bull).
>Question: How can you say so?
>Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.
>(Applause! Applause!)
>
>
>Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your
>country?
>Ms Philippines : Well, I can say that male organs in our country are
>like
>gossip or rumors.
>Question: How can you say so?
>Ms Philippines : Because it passes from mouth to mouth. (Applause!
>Applause!Applause! Applause!)
>
>
>Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your
>country?
>Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
>Question: How can you say so?
>Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.
>(Applause!
>Applause! Laughter! Laughter!)
>
>
>Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your
>country?
>Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like
>labourers.
>Question: How can you say so?
>Ms India: Because it works day and night......
>(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!
>Applause!)
>
>Question: Ms Sri Lanka, how do you describe a male organ in your
>country?
>Ms Sri Lanka: Well, I can say that male organ in Sri Lanka is like
>the
>Parliament. It gets excited from time to time, and is only
>concerned with its own needs, so the country gets screwed.
>(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Applause! Standing Ovation!)

[nachi88]

herez a football joke for a change....

Beckham, Sepp Blatter, and Pele are going on a speedboat in the agean on a short cruise to island of mineaos. On the way they discover that they have no fuel left and only 1 life jacket. The farthest island is 100 kms away. Who do you think is saved as a result of this ordeal?












The Footballing world

[nachi88]

From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?

5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).

8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?

9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)

10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).

11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?

12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.


Great work dude, keep posting more.

[nachi88]

here's another one



A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..."