Riddles/Jokes

[Darran]

I guess I said a lot about this jokes and riddles. I am going to talk about them now, please try guessing them, remember something, this is a stupid yet interesting riddle which my friend gave me and I couldn't answer it but when I found out the answer, I felt I was a fool.

Long long time ago, there was this Gorilla called Rioma and he was so strong that he could throw a lion from the jungles of Indonesia to Jamaica. One day a group of archers shot him but he managed to catch all the arrows aimed at him, but yet he was killed. Why?

[valdanito_10]

ok


first the dude died because he was shot! he cought the arrow, but u dont shoot arrows. so he was shot and didnt catchthe bullet justthe arrows

[Darran]

Sorry but there is the wrong answer, he was aimed at but archers yet he caught the arrows with his barehands but still died.

[lili]

Long long time ago, there was this Gorilla called Rioma and he was so strong that he could throw a lion from the jungles of Indonesia to Jamaica. One day a group of archers shot him but he managed to catch all the arrows aimed at him, but yet he was killed. Why?

another thing caused his death, what if a snake had bitten him?

[Darran]

I am sorry, that is the wrong answer as nothing else attacked him except the group of archers

[MarieL]

So the archers definitely killed him? He didn't happen to die out of old age, did he?

[valdanito_10]

well maybe! :)


u aint got more jokes or riddles?

[Darran]

This is the answer Rioma grabbed the arrows and what do Gorillas do, they beat their chest and in doing so, Rioma killed himself LoL

[lili]

This is the answer Rioma grabbed the arrows and what do Gorillas do, they beat their chest and in doing so, Rioma killed himself LoL

LOL
:D

[MarieL]

Now I see why he was called Rioma! :D
Don't you have any more riddles Darran?

[Darran]

I got one but I just can't remember, once I do, I will post it here

[Darran]

There was this guy called Totti who was on a plane to play a CL final clash with AC Milan. Unfortunately, he had a stomachache on the way and he went to the toilet. But when he got there, he threw the toilet bowl down instead of relieving himself. Why?

[valdanito_10]

apart from the fact he plays fro rioma why darran?

[Darran]

Because he is so stupid that he doesn't even know how to operate a toilet bowl and he just threw it away unknowingly and he shitted in his pants....LoL

[lili]

Because he is so stupid that he doesn't even know how to operate a toilet bowl and he just threw it away unknowingly and he shitted in his pants....LoL

LOL
Good one, Darran. :D

[MarieL]

Aren't we all smart...
Darran maybe you should ask us what colour was Napoleon's white horse. Maybe someone would know the answer to that.

[Darran]

What a joke Paula...! I told you these questions were so stupid that you have to think stupidly to answer them. Do you guys have something?! Because it would be more fun if other people contributed some jokes/riddles instead of me all the time, in time to come, it would be boring.

[MarieL]

Sorry Darran, but I don't really have any riddles or jokes either. But I'll try to think of something.

[valdanito_10]

im the worst person u can find for this! at the old laziomania, Mattias used to have good jokes

[Zek]

plane tickets to milan.....1200 dollars
riding the bus to the san siro stadium....10 dollars
buying a vieri jersey from the san siro store....69 dollars
two tickets to a milan derby game.....70 dollars
food at the game......10 dollars
seeing materazzi kick the **** out of schevenkco's balls......PRICELESS!!!!!!

[MarieL]

Was that a joke?

[valdanito_10]

good try Zek better luck next time!

[Darran]

Somehow, Zek's joke failed to impress me but if he had said, Stam would kick the **** out of Vieri's balls, I would be impressed ~ priceless?

[valdanito_10]

why would u want that to happen? when u can have him kick the shit out of tottis balss! and vieri is a lazio born star

[MarieL]

I rather see our players kick the actual ball. Works better in the long run.

[Zek]

I rather see our players kick the actual ball. Works better in the long run.

yeah guys just wanted to raise some discussion here :D

and plz do not kick Vieri's balls ;)

another one for your priceless comments :D

While visiting England? George Bush is invited to tea with Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intellegent people. He asks her how she knows if they´re intellegent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. " Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair, puts him on a speakerphone, and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer my question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, " It is me, ma´am." " Correct. Thank you and good-bye sir.", says the Queen. She hangs up and says, " Did you get that, Mr.Bush ? " "Yes ma´am. Thanks a lot. I´ll definitely be using that!".
Upon returning to Washington, he dicides he´d beter put the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, " Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." " Why, of course sir. What´s on your mind ?" "Uhh, your mother has a child and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it ?". Helms hems and haws and finally asks, " Cand I think about it and get back to you ?". Bush agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators< and ther puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with and answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Departament and explains the problem. " Now lookee here ,son ,your mother has a child and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it ?" Powell answers immediately, " It´s me of course, you dumb cracker." " Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and excalims," I know the answer sir! I know who it is! It´s Collin Powell !" Bush replies in disgust, " Wrong , you ***king shit, it´s Tony Blair!"

[MarieL]

Okay that was a good one, but I've heard another version of that joke before. Just guess who was Bush. ;)

[valdanito_10]

yeah ive heard the totti version! :ronaldo:

[Zek]

yeah ive heard the totti version! :ronaldo:

oh those laziali :shocked:

can you just enjoy the day without thinking of roma :silly:

[MarieL]

oh those laziali :shocked:

can you just enjoy the day without thinking of roma :silly:
Yes! But it's a rare pleasure... :D
What, you mean you never joke about Milan?

[Zek]

Yes! But it's a rare pleasure... :D
What, you mean you never joke about Milan?

sure we do! but we don't usually turn Bush into Totti or Sheva :silly:

ones girlfriend tells: you were saying that I am the whole world for you
he replies: yes my dear, but I've improved my geography since then

15 minute of the game
red carded player replies: i haven't even touch the ball so far :silly:

a wealthy man comes home from casino. he just lost all his fortune.
-My dear if you were able to cook we could have fired our cook
-if you were able to make sex we could have fired our gardener as well.

[valdanito_10]

nice . :silly:


i didntknbow interistas had a sense of humour :thumbsup:

[lili]

sure we do! but we don't usually turn Bush into Totti or Sheva :silly:

ones girlfriend tells: you were saying that I am the whole world for you
he replies: yes my dear, but I've improved my geography since then

15 minute of the game
red carded player replies: i haven't even touch the ball so far :silly:

a wealthy man comes home from casino. he just lost all his fortune.
-My dear if you were able to cook we could have fired our cook
-if you were able to make sex we could have fired our gardener as well.


LOL
great, Zek.:D

[lili]

nice . :silly:


i didntknbow interistas had a sense of humour :thumbsup:

sure they have. in other case they would have been milanistas. :rolling:

[valdanito_10]

hahaha, veryt true!

[Zek]

sure they have. in other case they would have been milanistas. :rolling:

:silly: that was the best joke :silly: (the problem is I translate them from russian that's why they don't sound that fun...)

a kid goes to the toilet holding a globe in his hands
teacher asks: hey why're you taking the globe over there?
"you know I am in a mood to shit on the whole world"

if your mother cooks well then why are You praying each time before lunch?

water is the best medicine, only few drops of water added to alcohol can cure you from everything.


and finally a true story from Georgia (Black Sea region):
central hospital receives mail from far mountain village with four testicles in it asking doctor to carry out cancer analysis on testicles. Tests showed that everything is OK, so the doctor in their village should not cut their testicles off for sending to the lab in the central hospital. shit happens...

[Darran]

Quite hilarious although i don't understand the 2nd joke, oh whatever...just keep the jokes rolling, this is fast becoming a hot topic.

[valdanito_10]

how can u not understand that one??? its by far the simplest. the one i dont get is the last one!

[Zek]

the last one is a true story.
A doctor first cut their balls. Then he gave their balls to themselves and asked them to go to hospital in the city. When they appeared in hospital with their balls cut, doctors in the hospital checked and found that guys and there balls were OK.

So, basically they are now emasculated and cannot have sex just because a doctor somewhere in the village cut their balls for fun basically.

It's a weird story to be honest.

[Zek]

Question for you pals:

what's the colour of chameleon when it looks on itself in the mirror?

[MarieL]

The same colour as in the mirror.

[Zek]

The same colour as in the mirror.

you're damn right :p

i feel pretty silly now :silly:

[Darran]

I got a nice joke now! Its a true story! Guess what a Romanista said when an indian man said '' God Bless You '', it happened with a friend of mine.

[Zek]

I got a nice joke now! Its a true story! Guess what a Romanista said when an indian man said '' God Bless You '', it happened with a friend of mine.

have no idea Darran...

another story from me coming up:
(29 July 2002, Ukraine) Late one night, the inhabitants of Yuvieyna village, a suburb of Lugansk, awoke to a loud explosion. Not long before the explosion, a 40-year-old deputy of the local administration board had taken his dog out for a walk. He encountered a Police Academy cadet who was escorting two women to their homes.

The cadet pointed out that the deputy's dog was not allowed on a public street without a lead and muzzle. Now, only an exceedingly bold cadet would be presumptuous enough to tell a village deputy what to do, so the two men began to argue. Unable to resolve the matter by verbal means, the deputy finally pulled out a military RGD-5 hand grenade and threw it to the cadet's feet. His well-trained dog immediately ran for the object and fetched it for his master... and man and dog met the same messy fate.

[Darran]

That's real hilarious Zek, the answer to my riddle was that the Romanista said to the Indian man, '' God will bless me but will he bless you ''? This happened to someone once known as Roma_Fan, he is too busy nowadays to come to SFN forums.

[Darran]

Guys! Let's make this forum more funnier, bring in all your jokes and riddles now!

[MarieL]

I think we need the help of our interista friend again.

[Darran]

Bring it on Zek

[Zek]

oh come on increase of quantity results in decrease of quality :evil:

but anyway here's a company joke from my boss :D

How many (here insert the organization of your choice) employees does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One to make the 75 km round trip to the nearest stockist of energy-efficient bubs.
2. A second to e-mail Headquarters to check on the latest risk assessment for standing on a chair.
3. Another to prepare the coffee and biscuits for the debrief once the task is completed.
4. A fourth to phone Headquarters complaining that the e-mail system has crashed again, it's getting dark, the bulb is here, the chair is in place, and the risk assessment hasn’t arrived.
5. A fifth to prepare the paperwork to process the receipts for the light bulb, petrol, coffee and biscuits.
6. A sixth to organize the Press Release and Initiate the Campaign Appeal to pay for (5)

[Zek]

An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Abdul, who used to help him, was being held by the FBI for aiding and abetting terrorists. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Abdul, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Your Dad, Mohammad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the biological weapons. Love, Abdul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any weapons. They apologized to the oldman and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Abdul.

[Zek]

A mother, with three daughters about to be wed, told each one of
them to write back about their marriage. But to avoid possible
embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing intimate
details, the mother and daughters agreed to use newspaper advertisements
as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one got married, and on the second day sent a letter
saying only, "MAXWELL HOUSE COFFEE." So the mother got out the newspaper
and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement which read:
"SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP..." And she was happy for her daughter.
Then the second daughter was wed. After a week, the mother received
the message, "BENSON & HEDGES." Again, checking her paper, she saw the
store ad with the huge headline banner: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And she
knew her daughter was happy.
Last, the third daughter was married. The mother became anxious as
time went by with no letter. Finally, after four weeks, she received a
message merely stating, "BRITISH AIRWAYS." Eagerly looking at the ad,
the mother fainted when she read: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK,
BOTH WAYS".


:smoking: good to have your own thread in the opposite forum :smoking: hmmm opposite? nope just in tighter and nicer team forum :evil:

[MarieL]

Haha, that was funny, dirty but funny! :D

[Aaron]

Nice Joke i was emailed. Called 'Moral'.

My girlfriend and i were dating for over a year, and so we decided

to get married.



My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and

my girlfriend? She was a dream!



There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that

was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but

most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, which

made me feel uncomfortable.



One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived,

she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had

feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before

I got married and commited my life to her daughter, she wanted to

make love to me just once..



What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.



So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it,

just come and get me. I just watched her as she went up the

stairs.



I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the

front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her

husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged

me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our

little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our

daughter. Welcome to the family.


Moral of the story? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...



"Always keep your condoms in the car."

[Zek]

hahaha good old one ;)

that's the story sent to the popular tv show in US one like Oprah :)

another already old one (Memo) I like it very much:



From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: The Cave

Internal Memo. Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation.
Hi guys,

we've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we arefighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

Firstly, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Secondly, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the sh*t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thank you.

Thirdly, food, I bought a pack of Dairylea recently, I clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourthly, I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five, Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**KS DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, this is still a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. The first patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more.

[ahmed]

quiet strange

[Zek]

quiet strange

different senses of humor i guess :silly:

Exciting Historical Information You Need to Know About

Shipping Manure! (?)


In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship
It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of
manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot
less than when wet. But once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-productis methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time
someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!


Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just
what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped
with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to
stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the
hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of
methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries
and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

[Zek]

hey mods can any of you copy this thread to Inter forum!

i want to have exactly the same one there that would make it even more fun if we have two forums with similar threads developing independently ;)

that doesn't mean that I'll stop posting in here though :rolling:

[valdanito_10]

done

[Darran]

Thanks to our wonderful mod Juanito

[valdanito_10]

hahaha! juanito????????? where did that come from?

[valdanito_10]

hahaha! juanito????????? where did that come from?

u sound like popa! hes always changing my name around!



and petko calls me juanatos!
and paula calls me cherry pie :question: :rolling:

decide, u will son drive me crazy

[MarieL]

Wow, how many Paulas do you actually know Juanatos Antonius?

[valdanito_10]

ohh just u dear, dont be embarassed, they all know whats going on :D

[MarieL]

Haha, I think I could come up with a better nick name than cherry pie, darling! Oh, that sounded english. :eek:

[valdanito_10]

ohh please try avoiding sounding english, or i might loose interest :silly:

[Darran]

This thread is great especially by you 2, Juan and Paula, you make me laugh!

[valdanito_10]

ohh ur invited to ourwedding by the way! were getting married

[Darran]

Haha, Paula is too young to be married, give her some more years man before you guys get hitched.

[MarieL]

Oh, I think I'm gonna have to finish High School first! But after that... :D

[Zek]

Oh, I think I'm gonna have to finish High School first! But after that... :D


after that you'll need to get some experience what if we loan you out before the marriage??? :ronaldo:

[valdanito_10]

shes too good to be loaned out!

so dont even suggest that :fed-up: ;) :rolling:



ok i have a joke.... finally!

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

[MarieL]

shes too good to be loaned out!

so dont even suggest that :fed-up: ;) :rolling:

:angel: :heart: :rolling:

[valdanito_10]

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.



Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

[Zek]

good one! losing appetite hehe :silly:

[ahmed]

How many Man U. fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down to Kent to pick him/her up.



Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
lol :p

[Darran]

Nice joke Juan, hope there is more to come though to spice up this already spiced up forum

[MarieL]

You're the one who always knows how to spice up this forum Darran. Thanks for that.

[valdanito_10]

i juist love it when guys are so nice to each other

[MarieL]

Well da! That's why we're called Laziali!

[Zek]

Well da! That's why we're called Laziali!

:evil:



HOW TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:

English . . . . . . . . . .I Love You

Spanish . . . . . . .. . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . Je T´aime

German . . . . . . . . . .lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . .. .Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . .. Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: ... Nice Tits!

[Zek]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"

[valdanito_10]

hahaha!


zek is on a streak, come on lets all have a little participationm wth this

[Zek]

A man said to his wife: "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"OK," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I´ll lie on the sofa and watch TV."


Why are condoms like cameras? -they both capture the moment.

and this one for valdanito and marieL :silly:

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven´t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don´t feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool´s thinking about getting married."

[valdanito_10]

hey hey Zek dont ruin it for us :silly:

[MarieL]

Yeah Zek, Juan's gonna call off the wedding as soon as he realizes how lazy I am with housework...:rolleyes:

But I've got some jokes:

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."


Q: What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
A: Waste of Spice

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.

[valdanito_10]

haha nice jokes Paula, the best ones so far i mustb say

[MarieL]

I have to start learning Italian again so I can buy Totti's book, thought I'm not quite sure it's all going to charity...

[Darran]

Totti's book? I wouldn't think of it!

[MarieL]

Come on, Totti jokes told by Totti! Don't tell me you aren't the least bit interested!

[Darran]

I don't think I would be amused though

[valdanito_10]

a totti book? no way, not interested at all actually.

money to charity, thats well done

[MarieL]

Oh, I would sure as hell like to read a whole book of Tottina jokes. Though if Totti has written it then it takes more than a few italian lessons to understand... :rolleyes:

[Zek]

Oh, I would sure as hell like to read a whole book of Tottina jokes. Though if Totti has written it then it takes more than a few italian lessons to understand... :rolleyes:

yeah he seems to be a nice gu though. not that many stars will allow anyone to publish a book bashing their stupidity. maybe he's not that stupid :rolleyes:

anyway, copy of this thread in Inter forum never worked. interistas does not have time for jokes... it's enough for us to get jokes from Moratti. latest one I've sold Crespo cause his place on the field was not secure and we have plenty of strikers. the next he bids for Cruz...

anyway I go with another joke, really old one so you might have seen it before:


Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow
down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such asRomance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Desperate

**************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.
WAV files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

[MarieL]

Haha, that was a great joke! :D
I'm sorry you're the only interista with a sense of humour Zek.
And correction: Totti is stupid.

[MarieL]

<b>Intelligent Quotes</b>

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

[Zek]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You
used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled
down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you
going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells
back, "I don´t know. I´ll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at
the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head
and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then
yells, "I´ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who´s at the door."

[tfayaz]

GIRLS DIARY

Saw Dave this evening and he was acting strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that. The bar was crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself: he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying... I just knew something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if
he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence I said I was going to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me to bed immediately but did so later on and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.


BOYS DIARY
West Ham were relegated today. Gutted. Got a shag though!

[MarieL]

Nice jokes guys! :D
Btw that joke about the old ladies totally reminds me of my gran. And she's "only" 88.

[Zek]

Nice jokes guys! :D
Btw that joke about the old ladies totally reminds me of my gran. And she's "only" 88.

she still has some time to improve :ronaldo:

not sure i want to live up to such age that won't remember what was i doing...

[MarieL]

I definitely don't want to live that long! I'd rather die young, while I'm still pretty. Hehe

[valdanito_10]

no le pongas años a tu vida,ponle vida a los años

[MarieL]

Hey this is an english speaking forum. :annoyed:
Not that I wouldn't have understood that...Is it your motto?

[Zek]

Hey this is an english speaking forum. :annoyed:
Not that I wouldn't have understood that...Is it your motto?

we stroke his heart so he started speaking spanish... poor guy... imagine what will happen when he's in his 70's...

yeah so you're pretty finnish girl? :D

ok few jokes (Russian ones):

amount of unwashed dishes is a value entirely dependent on the height of the tap

urgent! looking for an experienced hacker - CV's shall be left on our Server's my documents folder

and one pps presentation ;) just a joke

[Zek]

we stroke his heart so he started speaking spanish... poor guy... imagine what will happen when he's in his 70's...

yeah so you're pretty finnish girl? :D

ok few jokes (Russian ones):

amount of unwashed dishes is a value entirely dependent on the height of the tap

urgent! looking for an experienced hacker - CV's shall be left on our Server's my documents folder

and one pps presentation ;) just a joke

did't managed attachment :(

anyway,
Arab interview:

Q: Your name please?
A: Abdul Aziz Mohammed
Q: Sex?
A: Yes. Two times every week.
Q: No no. I mean, Male or Female?
A: Not matter. Sometimes also camel.

[Zek]

A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US:


Then Japanese Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation
training before he visits Washington
and meets with President Bill Clinton.


The instructor told Mr. Mori, "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with
President Clinton, please say 'how are you'.
Then Mr.Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say 'me
too'.Afterwards we translators will do
all the work for you." It looks quite simple, but the truth
is................


When Mr. Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?".Mr Clinton was
a bit shocked but still managed to react
with humour: "Well, I am Hillary's husband, ha ha...and U"


Then Mr. Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."


Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room...

[MarieL]

we stroke his heart so he started speaking spanish... poor guy... imagine what will happen when he's in his 70's...

yeah so you're pretty finnish girl? :D

I can hardly be the judge of that having seen this face in the mirror day after day after day... But I'm sure I look prettier now than when I'm 70. :p

Hey I have a joke about old people:

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Lee, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-75. Please be careful."
"Hell", said Lee, "it's not just one car...It's hundreds of them."

[valdanito_10]

there was a kid his name was juan one day he was sad the next mad then lived then he tunned into a happy guy

[Zek]

I can hardly be the judge of that having seen this face in the mirror day after day after day... But I'm sure I look prettier now than when I'm 70. :p

nice reply ;) quite unexpected!

story of the week in Russia:
Greek family. Mrs. Papandopoulus comes to see her son, Costa, studying in Athens. She finds out that he's sharing apartment with a pretty girl, but they insist that there is nothing between them so far. After staying a week Mrs. Papandopoulus goes home.

Next week Costa writes a post to his mum: 'Mum I know that you don't like her, but that does not mean that you should have taken her glasses. I don't really mean that you have taken it, but facts speak for themselves!'

A week after Costa receives reply: 'My son, I have never taken her glass, but if she would have slept in her bed she might have found her glass there. I am not saying that you are sleeping with Vikki, but facts speak for themselves.'

Conclusion: never try to deceive mum

[MarieL]

there was a kid his name was juan one day he was sad the next mad then lived then he tunned into a happy guy
Happy enough to write poems it seems. How did that happen?
Well I'm happy he's happy.

[valdanito_10]

ur soooooooooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooooooooooo fruity!!!! hahahahahha
ui luv u paulita

[xonic]

A couple of pirate jokes:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed into his trousers, the bartender looks at the pirate and says 'Hey, did you know you have a steering wheel poking out of your pants?'.. the pirate looks at him and says 'Arrrgh.. it's driving me nuts'.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pirate Blacksword and a cabin boy are on the deck of a pirate ship when the cabin boy looks across the water and yells 'Captain, look o'er there, theres TWO english ships!'. Blacksword replies 'hahaha, fetch me red shirt' a short while later the cabin boy returns with Blackswords red shirt. Blacksword puts it on, grabs a rope and swings to one of the ships, kills 5 men then the rest of the pirate crew boards the ships and slaughters everyone else.

The next day, Blacksword and a cabin boy are on the deck of the pirate ship when the cabin boy looks across the water yells 'Captain, look o'er there, theres FIVE english ships!'. Blacksword replies 'hahaha, fetch me red shirt' a short while later the cabin boy returns with Blackswords red shirt. Blacksword puts it on, grabs a rope and swings to one of the ships, kills 5 men then the rest of the pirate crew boards the ships and slaughters everyone else.

When the fierce battle has ended and all the pirates are on the pirate ship again, the cabin boy asks Blacksword 'Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt before going off into battle?. Blacksword replies 'Well ya see, I wear a red shirt so if I get stabbed in battle my crew doesn't see the blood and they'll think I'm invincible which gives them courage'.

So the next day, Blacksword and a cabin boy are on the deck of the pirate ship when the cabin boy looks across the water yells 'Captain, look o'er there, theres TWELVE english ships!'. Blacksword replies 'Allright cabin boy.. fetch me brown pants'.

:)

[Zek]

A couple of pirate jokes:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed into his trousers, the bartender looks at the pirate and says 'Hey, did you know you have a steering wheel poking out of your pants?'.. the pirate looks at him and says 'Arrrgh.. it's driving me nuts'.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pirate Blacksword and a cabin boy are on the deck of a pirate ship when the cabin boy looks across the water and yells 'Captain, look o'er there, theres TWO english ships!'. Blacksword replies 'hahaha, fetch me red shirt' a short while later the cabin boy returns with Blackswords red shirt. Blacksword puts it on, grabs a rope and swings to one of the ships, kills 5 men then the rest of the pirate crew boards the ships and slaughters everyone else.

The next day, Blacksword and a cabin boy are on the deck of the pirate ship when the cabin boy looks across the water yells 'Captain, look o'er there, theres FIVE english ships!'. Blacksword replies 'hahaha, fetch me red shirt' a short while later the cabin boy returns with Blackswords red shirt. Blacksword puts it on, grabs a rope and swings to one of the ships, kills 5 men then the rest of the pirate crew boards the ships and slaughters everyone else.

When the fierce battle has ended and all the pirates are on the pirate ship again, the cabin boy asks Blacksword 'Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt before going off into battle?. Blacksword replies 'Well ya see, I wear a red shirt so if I get stabbed in battle my crew doesn't see the blood and they'll think I'm invincible which gives them courage'.

So the next day, Blacksword and a cabin boy are on the deck of the pirate ship when the cabin boy looks across the water yells 'Captain, look o'er there, theres TWELVE english ships!'. Blacksword replies 'Allright cabin boy.. fetch me brown pants'.

:)

:silly: anymore?

[MarieL]

ur soooooooooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooooooooooo fruity!!!! hahahahahha
ui luv u paulita
I luv u too Juanito, though half the time I have no idea what ur saying.
Ur such a wacko! :D

Nice jokes Xonic!

[valdanito_10]

I luv u too Juanito, though half the time I have no idea what ur saying.
Ur such a wacko! :D

Nice jokes Xonic!



i dont even know what i say anymore, its always so irrlevant

[Zek]

i like the way you love each other :ronaldo:

what a nice lazialis in the forum!


anyway, another strange joke from me:

Setting the scene: nice sunrise at the beach a girl says to her boyfriend:
- my dear when we will get married I will share all your worries and problems
- but I have no worries and problems
- I am telling you when we will get married.


My dear what do you like the most: my beatiful body or my nice face?
he replyes: your sense of humor!

[MarieL]

Haha, we're a bunch of hippies...
Hey Juan, since this is a joke thread and not a poems thread, why don't you for once post something related to the topic and find us a joke, okay?

[valdanito_10]

ill be working on that!

[valdanito_10]

quick short well known:


What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.

[Zek]

quick short well known:


What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.


you better find another one :p

[MarieL]

Is my brain not working or why didn't I get that joke?
And are you sure it's okay to be joking about lawyers? I mean don't you have a family member in that line of work?

[valdanito_10]

i know that why i do it, and yeah zek i got that one stragh froma cheap jkes website!

[MarieL]

I have a cheap joke for you.

What should you do if your dog starts to chew up your dictionary?
Take the words right out of his mouth.

[valdanito_10]

hehehehe that was as cheap as mine!

[MarieL]

No, but it came close. There's actually a cheap joke book lying infront of my computer and I'm wondering how it got there. I sure as hell didn't buy it!

[valdanito_10]

i sent it

[MarieL]

Oh thanks! It's always nice to educate oneself with such high brow entertainment.
Here's another brilliant example:
"I just sat down on a pin."
"Did it hurt?"
"No, it was a safety pin."

[Zek]

:ronaldo: cheap lazialis :D

[MarieL]

Yep, you got us there Zek. We have no sense of humour!

[Zek]

Yep, you got us there Zek. We have no sense of humour!

:rolling:

this is one of the old stuffs
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked,
Bring beer....

[Zek]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They´ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An
officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.


A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."


A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I´ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we´re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell. My dear, the shrink said, that´s completely natural. I don´t see what the problem is. The problem is, she complained, "It wakes me up!"


One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring then said, "Isn´t having nine babies a little much?" "Well," she said, "I don´t know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air." "Yes," said the priest, "your legs!"

[Zek]

sorry Paula not for your eyes :)

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man´s twenties, a man´s penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

[MarieL]

What do you mean not for my eyes?! That was the best one! :D
Though I gotta say there's something awfully strange about asking such things from one's mother...

[Zek]

What do you mean not for my eyes?! That was the best one! :D
Though I gotta say there's something awfully strange about asking such things from one's mother...

:ronaldo:

you know people tend to ask various things from their parents :D though I never asked anything like that from mine, but anyway...

let's continue with some black humour:
- doctor, I think I am catching cold, I feel cold
- no you are not catching cold, you're just getting cold

[MarieL]

That was the cheapest by far!!!
Here's one:
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

[valdanito_10]

those were great ones zek, i have a bunch comming up soon

[valdanito_10]

if u think they might offend u, simple, dont read them

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I 2 3



What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.



What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.








What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.


















Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.




What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

One US leader.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.



Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?

Because Janet Reno is her real father.



What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.



SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.....



A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

Are you sure it's mine?"



What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.



Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.





















SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.



What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.



What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-staff?

They're hiring.



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."



Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[MarieL]

Hahaha, great stuff indeed! You're turning into a real joker now Juan, the non-mexican footballer.

[Zek]

finally there's something decent from you Juan :p

i've spread it around to my friends ;)

[The Chief]

No spamming thank you!